BAMikeyD

Described my blog to someone

as “Mostly art, and me being angry about stuff.”
Then I went back and looked through my own blog… it’s nothing like that.  It’s random, insane crap that I like and post.  My blog has no theme, a lot of MST3K, some personal rants, cartoons, art, gifs from shows I don’t even watch…

Geeze, get it together.

Things that piss me off

I see people posting a lot about how pissed they are when they failed their final reviews, that they “should have passed” or that “now they know what to work on” and instead of actually WORKING for it they then start posting about how they’re at some “card game tournament” or “working on costumes” or “getting ready to go to [anime convention name here]” and don’t understand why they’re not passing.

The latter of the items (going to cons) COULD be constructive if were going to meet people and get insights on the industry they want to be a part of… they’re not, they’re going to wear costumes and watch fan subs and take pictures of people in costumes and tee hee so kawaii over everything not important at the con.

Seriously people, I know people who work their asses off and still can’t pass, and yet people dick around and don’t get why they’re failing.

Someone at work today said they were going to pray and have faith that I’ll find a job doing what I want after graduation.
I still fight really had not to roll my eyes and/or scoff when people say they’ll pray doe me for any reason, because I know they mean well by it, and just want me to do well in life, but it still gets under my skin a bit.
It’s hard to explain because it bothers me, but not on like a personal level. I’m never (or if I am it’s rare) mad at the person who is going to “pray for me” because I know they think they’re helping, but there are times when I just want to scream because I think “the power of prayer” is total bullshit.

Rejoining the Air Force… a long rant of mine.

Okay so this is just going to be me spilling out my guts and brain vomiting all over the page.
If you don’t want to read that, then now is a good time to stop.

Okay, so I’m about to graduate from the Art Institute in June (if everything goes as planed) and I’m starting to have a mid-life crisis type moment about it where I’ve been reflecting and musing on my past, my present and my future.  I think back to my past in the Air Force where yes at times I really sort of hated it.  I had some really low, dark times when I was in… but was it all bad?  No not really, a lot of it was actually quite nice and rewarding.  There were personality conflicts with some people, and there were obvious issues in some aspects of the leadership I had to deal with… but overall I enjoyed the comradery I found with most of my enlisted brothers and sisters in arms.  I enjoyed the mission at times, and other times I really questioned what the hell we were doing and why.

Towards the end of my enlistment I actually started getting good at being a Sergeant.  On both ends of that spectrum, I was learning how to be a good supervisor, and how to deal with shielding my troops from leadership when needed, and how to play the game as middleman and writing awards packages and a ton of other stuff that is expected of a Sergeant.  I went through some trouble but began to rededicate myself to my position and to my physical fitness requirements.  I actually started to care a bit.

That’s where it gets foggy, because if things started turning around like that then why did I get out?  What made me decided my time was over?  Honestly looking back I’m not 100% sure it was all my decision… I had a friend who had gotten out who really, REALLY hated being in the Air Force, and I think I kind of let him affect how I felt, and I really started hating my situation, and instead of finding ways to change that situation that would allow for me to remain in the military I instead looked to the door and decided that’s what I wanted.

The GI Bill had just changed to its current status and it made staying in when I wanted to go to school almost a no-brainer.  So I got out went to school and here I am 3 years later.  I’ve learned a lot, grown as an artist and storyteller, made some good friends and good connections, but I’m still at an impasse as to if this is REALLY what I want to do with my life.  I miss being a linguist most of the time, I miss working for the Air Force and serving my country… sort of? I was never too altruistically patriotic in my service to be honest.  I mean there WAS always that feeling of, yest I’m serving, I’m helping, I’m doing it! But there was also the selfish “I’ve got a job, I’m getting paid.” mentality to it too.

I find myself wondering if I could go back?  If I could do it again would I get out still?  I think I would.  But NOW I find myself wondering can I go back?  If I go back is it me giving up on what I just spent 3 years trying to be?  I don’t know… I really don’t know what I really want, if I’m just scared or if I’m trying to cling to some rose tinted memory of the Air Force that never really existed.

There’s a lot I miss about it, and there’s a lot I don’t.  I’m wondering what if a lot, and I’m wondering if I can make something of it on a second go round like I did with school… I’ve grown up a lot since I got out of the Air Force, and I think it MIGHT make me a better Airman for it, but I don’t know if I deserve to be an Airman anymore, and I don’t know if it will be worth another 4 year experiment to find out…

I’ve still got time to think about it, and I don’t even know if I’d qualify to reenter the Air Force anyway.  Life is spinning out of control for me right now, and I think that might be why I’m having all these thoughts.  For the first time in like 10 years I have no idea what’s coming next, and I don’t know if I can really handle it…

Me and Holidays

I’m starting to care less and less about any given holiday, birthday or special event.  I’m becoming more and more cynical towards these things, though not really cynical, but just… numb maybe?
I just find myself not caring, but not in an angry “I hate the holidays” sort of way, but just in a “Oh it’s [Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween, Your Birthday, My Birthday]? Cool?” sort of way.
I definitely don’t care about my birthday anymore, just another step closer to that cold bitter end that will one day surely come… but again, not in a bummed out “waiting for death” kind of way either.  I just don’t care.  I don’t ask for presents anymore, and I rarely care enough to do anything more than call someone and wish them happy birthday on their birthday, and that’s only if I actually care about the person.
Maybe I’m just a cynic, or maybe I’m just done with all the bullshit of “special days” and just treating every day as special?  <—- haha yeah right. 

Nervous

I’m recording audio tomorrow for my Team Production project… that I’m the lead on.  So I guess I’ll get to see how woefully underdeveloped my script is tomorrow… I guess I’m excited, but nervous at the same time.

Being a team lead for a peer group is difficult.  On the one hand I want to smash down hard and tell them what to do and how to do it, on the other hand I’m struggling to not be too big of a dick with them because they’re also my friends still.  I wish I was actually a team lead, and not a “student” team lead… ugh.

Sigh.

beguiled, besotted, bewitched, captivated, carried away, charmed, crazy about, enamored, enraptured, far gone on, fascinated, foolish, inflamed, intoxicated, possessed, smitten,zonked, fascinate, captivate, attract, bewitch, charm, enchant, endear, enrapture, enthrall, entice, entrance, grab, infatuate, please, slay, sweep off feet, turn on….

yup. so many ways to say something that doesn’t fucking matter.

I hate it.

I’m currently completely infatuated with this woman I know.
Like not just her physical features, though she is strikingly beautiful to me, and has a nice body etc. (so I guess that helps on the shallow end of the infatuation?)
But also her personality, the way she approaches life and struggles there-in.  Her interests in things that happen to be similar to mine, and just her overall mental agility. 

I am completely taken by her, and feel this way more so every time we talk, but at the same time there are problems.
One of the major problems is that she’s already with someone… the other is that since I am one of the more self aware people I know, I know that no matter how taken I am with her she couldn’t ever reciprocate these feelings towards me, and if she ever tried we would make a terrible couple.

I’m glad that we get along as friends, we laugh, make fun of stupid stuff other people do, but we couldn’t ever be a couple… which I’m honestly okay with, I just wish that it could be more.  Looks like I’ll just have to deal with it and wait until the infatuation passes, and I’m again content with the just friends mentality.

Critique and Growth. A Rant by Mikey D

I don’t get how a person could be so incredibly blind and deaf to critique, and then have the fucking gall to try and tell others what is expected in “The Film Industry”, you know what’s expected in the film industry? People aren’t going to like you, your product, or your ideas all the time. People are going to crush you, and tell you what you’ve done isn’t good enough. People are going to laugh you out of their office, again and again, and again until you listen to those other people who tell you what you can do to improve your work.
If you won’t listen to people telling you how to improve, solely because they themselves aren’t producing any work, guess who you’re telling to fuck off… it’s your AUDIENCE. Your audience won’t always be PRODUCERS of content, hell the MAJORITY of your audience won’t be producers, they will be consumers, and they will tell you if they like your product, and sometimes tell you how to improve it.
If you can’t handle this cold fact, then you need to step back and get a god damned reality check. If you think that the only people who can critique and comment on your stuff are people who produce equal or better materials, or are people who will just tell you they “love it” then you are diluted.